I Wanna See You Be Brave

I'm kind of at a major cross-roads in my life.

My career/education could take a turn...if I want it to.

My social life could shift....if I let it.

My living situation could alter...if that's what I choose.

But here is the thing.  It could change....if I decide that's what I will do.

It doesn't HAVE to change.

Anyone who knows me knows the pro/con lists and flow sheets of if this...then that are ABUNDANT in my life right now.

Its been a frustrating time, not knowing which direction I should take. 

I spend lots of time in my car and it is often the perfect place for out-loud and...well lets call them... honest conversations with my Heavenly Father.

They aren't the tradition bow your head, close your eyes and kneel down prayers.

They are more the "look...here's what's going on" prayers.

Recently I was having one of these prayers.  And in exasperation I said "I don't know what to do!  Tell me what to do and I'll do it!"

Suddenly....This song came on the radio......

Now I'm not saying God made this song come on the radio.......

But I know He helped me hear it in that moment.

The answer to my question was to be brave.

Who knows what on earth that means, but its meant I've been looking for bravery.

I saw it in a dear friend who openly admitted to having a problem and asked for help.

I saw it in a severely depressed young women who reached out to a person who might reject her.

I saw it in a young girl who was sick but went through a medical treatment with her head up and her eyes bright.

Bravery means doing something that scares us.  It means not letting our fears paralyze us.

It means going outside of our comfort zone.

Its hard to be brave.  And we can't always be perfect at it.  But lets celebrate the moments we are!

I WANNA SEE YOU BE BRAVE

Since Its Sunday: Keep Your Antennas Up

Many of you know I'm a Mormon....

Something my church had begun to do recently is put out "Mormon Messages".

Little videos of inspiration, hope and love.

This one is very special to me.

You might want to grab a tissue (I needed one!)

Please watch......

Now if you wouldn't mind I'd love to talk about it a little.

This topic is close to my heart.

We all have people in our lives who we love, who are struggling with feelings of depression.

Feelings that can, when a perfect storm hits, can develop into thoughts of suicide.

Few of us however are trained in psychology or psychiatry.

I have personally felt like I didn't know what to say and what to do.

I have had friends who have said they didn't know what to say or what to do.

You don't have to know.  Of course you want to fix it.  Of course you want to say the perfect thing. Find the silver bullet that will save the person you love, even when they don't want to be saved.

But it doesn't have to come from what you say.  

It comes from your presence.  From being there.  From standing by.

When you feel that low its hard to see anyone who cares or anyone who will not be better off without you around.

So prove them wrong.  Gently help them see your love.
(I say gently, as forcing yourself on someone doesn't usually end well)

Help them know you are there, by being there.

Presence.  Its cheesy and cliche.  But its the best present you can give.

You may not know someone right now who is struggling with deep and intense thoughts of suicide.

But you know someone who is discouraged.  You know someone who is broken hearted and in need of your love.  And you never know what personal and internal battle they might be facing.

Look out for them.  Love them.

I have watched people turn to the most unlikely of "saviors" in their darkest moments because they knew there would be nothing but love.

Be the person people can turn to.  Be the look out.  Give the gift of presence and love.

Keep Your Antennas Up

They need you.

Lovely Words For a Wednesday

An interesting thought.  You never know what you don't know.

Musical Monday Time!

So I mentioned before I saw Ingrid Michaelson in concert.

She's AWESOME btw.
Funny.  Insane talent.

Crazy good music...melodies, lyrics.....arrangements!


But a few of her songs have now become serious favorites and have been on repeat ever since.

Afterlife.  My new JAM.

We've got the fight in side us

We are gonna be alright

This song was huge in the UK when Cheryl Cole did it.  But Ingrid wrote it...and it is AWESOME

(couldn't help myself...had to post an acoustic version!)

As she sang this song I thought of how it feels every time I go home to my mama's or UT with my 92nd warders.

The places where I feel the most safe.....

Where I go when I don't know....

When I have no where else to go.

Where I feel warm

Since its Sunday: Gratitude IN not FOR

I will admit I feel a tad bit guilty for having a little rant about being ok with not loving your trials and sorrows. (see THIS post for more)

I'm always gonna say what I think and not sugar coat it.

Trials and bad stuff...rotten.  Rotten and no fun!

And its ok to think that...

BUT  

(there is always a but isn't there)

It is also important WHAT we do with our feelings.

It can be really really hard to not become bitter, jaded, and cold when the world seems to have nothing good in it.

We have to be careful.  Positivity is a virtue that sheds a ray of sunshine on a difficult time.  And we can't let it hide and negativity take over our attitudes and outlook on life.

But how??  When life super sucks how do we see the positive?

Well one helpful little thing is gratitude.

"But I've tried gratitude" you say.  

And yeah, for a little while thinking of all the things I'm grateful for makes me happier.  But then I start making a lit of all the things I'm SOOOO not grateful for!"

Oh so you are chronic pessimist like me!  Yeah!  Buddies!!!!

Trust me...I know its hard to  not see the negatives outweigh the positives.

A great leader in our church, whom I admire greatly Dieter F Uchtdorf suggested the following....

Could I suggest that we see gratitude as a disposition, a way of life that stands independent of our current situation? In other words, I’m suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances—whatever they may be.

Again a truth moment....I'm not sure I get this super well and FOR SURE do not practice it well.

Here is some more of what he said that helps clarify it for me a little.

When we are grateful to God in our circumstances, we can experience gentle peace in the midst of tribulation. In grief, we can still lift up our hearts in praise. In pain, we can glory in Christ’s Atonement. In the cold of bitter sorrow, we can experience the closeness and warmth of heaven’s embrace.

We sometimes think that being grateful is what we do after our problems are solved, but how terribly shortsighted that is. How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain?

I think for me the key is this....its helpful to be grateful for things in our lives.  But it is even better to grateful for our circumstances and the situations we are in.

The idea of an attitude of gratitude is kinda cliche.  But I think cultivating a constant state of gratitude in good and bad times is always going to help.

Its easy to get into the habit when things are good.  So take advantage of that time to practice and make it a habit...a part of who you are!

Then hopefully when the rough times come...it stays.

Being grateful in times of distress does not mean that we are pleased with our circumstances. It does mean that through the eyes of faith we look beyond our present-day challenges.

THERE IT IS!!!!  That's what I'm saying!!! 

I am VERY good at not being pleased with my circumstances.  Not as good at looking beyond with eyes of faith though.....

(could talk for posts and posts about faith....but we will leave it at that for now!)

This type of gratitude transcends whatever is happening around us. It surpasses disappointment, discouragement, and despair. It blooms just as beautifully in the icy landscape of winter as it does in the pleasant warmth of summer.

I'm not saying its an easy thing to do.  But I can be very sure that it is helpful.  And that it will bring a contentment and peace to times of trial and times of plenty.

(To read the entire talk I referenced, click HERE)

If I Got a Tattoo..........

I don't plan on getting a tattoo.

I'm terrified of needles (I KNOW I KNOW I'm a nurse....its different when I put them in other people!!)

And there's a few religious hang ups as well.

Plus....I can't even commit to buying a $3 sweater from a thrift store....how can I commit to something that not only costs more....but is INSANELY more permanent.


but if I did...........

I do have a few ideas.


I'll admit that lately I have been more tempted than normal.  Call it my rebellion against the status quo of my life that has become very monotonous.

So I've been considering it.


I've also lately found a lot of phrases lately that I ADORE.

Is it acceptable to adore phrases?  Call me a wordy weirdo if its not!


One I've shared before
"It Can Be Fixed" (thanks Hott Latino)
But can we pause for a moment and contemplate the irony of getting a tattoo with such religious undertones?

Another that I got from the delightful Ashlee of The Moments We Stand (recent OBSESSION!)
"Be Still.  Breathe"
When the world is raging and your mind swirling. When nothing seems to make sense and you feel your heart begin to race and your breath getting ragged....
Be still.  Breathe.

Its all going to be ok....cause it can be fixed.....
(see what I did just there??)



After attending the Ingrid Michaelson concert last week (wait for monday for more on that one!!)
I have also become obsessed with the phrase
"Living like you're dying isn't living at all"

(Afterlife has become my new pump me up song!)

But I don't think that phrase is really tattoo worthy.

"We are, we are, we're gonna be alright. We got, we got, we always got the fight in us"

But OI! that would hurt!  sooooooo long.



But do you really want to know the winner???

across the right side of my ribs.  In swirly but not too swirly type.


Always Keep Chasing The Sun


Are you surprised?

haha  didn't think so.

To Let Go

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone.

To let go is not to cut myself off; its the realization that I can't control another.

To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another; I can only change myself.

To let go is not to care for, but to care about.

To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be protective, but to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires 

but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone but to try to become what dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past, but grow for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

To let go is to give the pain to someone who can handle it, for cannot on my own.

"The Starving Children In Africa"

How many times have we been told we should be grateful.

That there are so many people who have it worse than us.


I hate that.  Truly hate that!

Maybe its just the world according to me....but there is no such thing as a "worse" trial.


Everyone has bad things happen to them.  And it doesn't matter if they might be considered by outsiders to be small or huge.  It doesn't even matter if in a few years you, yourself might not consider it to be a big trial.

They are huge and serious to you in this moment.

And they are huge and serious to your loving Heavenly Father.  He worries just as much about the struggling divorcee as He does about parents trying to raise 5 kids under the age of 8.  He is just as concerned for the girl stranded on the side of the road waiting for AAA to arrive as He is for the alcoholic.

Last night I took the time to read a blog I have been meaning to read since a family friend introduced it to me back in March.

What would you do if your husband and the father of your 5 children, the youngest 6 weeks old, was brutally murdered by the husband of his mistress?

Of anyone, this women might be justified in saying her trails were worse than anyone else's.
But what does she say?

Whatever the situation and wherever you have been . . . you have been hurt. You have felt alone. You have been abandoned, either by your parents, your lover, your friends, complete strangers, or even yourself. We have all been at that crossroad where all we have left is ourselves.

Sometimes these moments of lows have brought you to your knees and caused you to reflect and ponder your relationship with God . . . and other times they have made you question if He is even there, or if He knows you are alone. Whatever that moment has been for you, it is personal and real. It has defined and refined who you are, who you think you were, and who you want to become.

(If I wasn't impressed with this women already....guess what...I was FLOORED by this statement)

It is personal and real.

I'm not against squaring your shoulders and counting your blessings.

I'm not saying that gratitude is not an important part of getting through trials.

Both are crucial in survival and are essential for happiness

But I have seen too many people belittle their own feelings.

And worse I have seen too many people lessen and disregard the pain and the hurt of others.

Never think you are better than someone because you think you have hurt more than them.

Never think someone doesn't have a right to feel pain because their trial is small.

And never feel guilty for being hurt.  For struggling with a trial or temptation.

It matters.  You matter.

And so does everyone else.

We all have trails.  We all struggle.

So lets be kind to each other.  And to ourselves.

Also if you want to bawl your eyes out, or hear incredible stories of forgiveness and strength in trials.....

http://www.themomentswestand.com/

Say Something

Have you ever had to wait?

I don't mean waiting in line at the grocery store, or waiting for a package to come in the mail.


I mean waiting for the moment when your stomach drops to your feet and heart leaps into your throat.

That moment when you get the news you've been waiting for.

Maybe its a cheesy sentiment, but if you've ever had a moment like that...you will know what I mean.


For a while I've been waiting to hear one word.

Just a simple yes.


That's it.  Just a simple three letter word.

But its taking a long time to hear it.

So I'm learning patience.  I'm waiting.

And soon I will hear that word,  Or at least a word with one less letter.....

I love this cover.

Kira Giannis has such a haunting voice.  And I love the simplicity of it.

My Assistant Life Coach :)

P. T. X.

Have you ever heard of Pentatonix???


If you haven't you are seriously in for a treat!!!!!


They are a 5 person acapella group and are INSANELY talented!!!!

Their bass...literally vibrated my bones.

Their percussionist...THEbomb.com

Then you have their 3 lead singers.  Can we talk about their incredible range??

I could go on and on but its just gonna sound like I'm being a little too gushy.

So.  Instead I will just let you listen to them.

You should YouTube them.....for reals

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScDIkNcqZjE

Meet Arty

Jonas has some new competition!

There is a new boy in my life!

His name is Arty :)

He's only a few weeks old. He's the best!

He brightens up the room.  He cleans the air (thanks for that bit of info pinterest).

He needs water once a day...and doesn't mind if I over water him (its always hard to tell that I think)

And he always listens with I talk to him....and he never talks back haha

He's a Chinese Evergreen courtesy of the cute little nursery on the corner of my street.  

Though please don't tell him...it would hurt his feelings....I'd rather have a little doggie.

But Arty doesn't mind if I leave him alone for 13+ hours while I'm at work.  

So Arty and I shall be it for a bit.

It Can Be Fixed

We live in a world where things can be broken.


Bones and bodies can fail due to circumstance or disease.

Cars and technology can malfunction.

Personal belongings can be gone in seconds.

Natural disasters can come from no where and forever change what was.

And seemingly worst of all....

Relationships can be wounded and damaged.

Ideals and dreams can be crushed and lost.



During a particularly dark and dreary time in my life, I looked to a dear friend for comfort and advice.

Through my tears I told him how broken things had become.  How I didn't know what to do anymore.
I've always considered myself a pretty capable person.  I'm really good at finding solutions to problems.

But the problems I faced didn't have solutions I could see.


I'll never forget what he said...and even more how he said it.

He looked at me...with the most kind eyes.  "I feel impressed to tell you...It can be fixed"


The most broken things can be repaired.


My life is no different than any other.  My sorrows are not unique or special in anyway.

And yet...there is a solution.  A specific, individual solution, just for me.

Every problem that keeps me up at night.
Every sorrow that breaks my heart.
Every hurtful, painful thing that brings tears to my eyes.

They all can be fixed.


A deeply faithful person would say something like "It all will be fixed on the Lord's time table and in the Lord's way"

But I'm not that faithful right now.

And thats ok.  I'll take my mustard seed.  My little glimmer of faith and hope that all that is broken will be mended.

I don't want to worry about the whats or the hows.  Its too exhausting.  And leads me to doubt and question and fear.


When I feel like I'm drowning in the raging waters of this life...I grab on to this one thought...

It can be fixed

And yours can too.

I don't usually include scripture or doctrinal evidence when I write-I prefer to be anecdotal.

But please-if you would like to know what doctrinal basis/knowledge/foundation I have for this faith, the following links may be helpful.

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2013/03/the-enabling-power-of-the-atonement?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/bear-up-their-burdens-with-ease?lang=eng

http://www.mormon.org/beliefs/plan-of-salvation  
(scroll down to God's Plan-What Jesus Did For Us)

I don't know what to title this post.

My previous post for today is going to get put on hold.

Because today I found out some very sad news.
Below is a post I wrote back in February about the sweet daughter of a dear friend of mine.

She had been doing well at the time.  Finishing the first major round of treatments and waiting for the next step.

Friday she suffered a major setback and it is medically clear that she will not be with us much longer.

So many thoughts are swirling in my mind.



I'm ashamed to admit there are thoughts of anger.

She had to be one of the 4 in 1 million?

This is a beautiful righteous wonderful family.
Its not fair.  Its not fair at all.  How could this happen

They have prayed so hard.  They have fought so hard.
So much prayer and fasting.  So many times have names been put on the alters of the temple
She is so young and so precious.


But at the same time thoughts of gratitude can't be pushed aside.

I'm grateful for my knowledge that children, under the age of eight are saved.  They have that magical golden ticket to pass by the sentinels that stand watch at the gates of heaven.

I'm grateful to know that families are eternal, and that regardless of what may happen, The Graves family will be able to be with their little Anni again.

I'm grateful to know that soon this sweet 3 year old will be free of the pain and fear that has plagued her life these last many months.



Then my thoughts turn to prayer.

Prayers that her parents will be comforted in their grief.  That their faith will be strengthened and their heavy hearts lifted.

Prayers that her siblings will be able to cope and find solace in a world that doesn't make sense even if you are an adult.

Prayers for grandparents who have put their heart and souls into anchoring and supporting this family. Prayer that they will feel strong and be able to grieve and support-a dual task that is not an easy one.

Prayers for the friends and neighbors who have helped...prayer that they will continue to flood this family with love and assistance.

Prayers for the medical team caring for this sweet girl and her family.  That they will make all the best decisions and give the highest level of care.  And that they will be comforted in their sorrow...we may see it a lot, but we are not immune.

One of the most powerful lessons I remember from Rebekah (Anni's mother) when I was a teenager was on prayer.  With great emotion she told us of times when she prayed and her prayers were answered.
Never did I imagine that this lesson would become so powerful as I tried (feebly) to help in some small way.


All we ever can do sometimes is pray.

And so that is what I will do.


Graves family you are in my thoughts...you are in my prayers.

REPOST from Feb 2014:Things You Should Know About Tuesdays: Neuroblastoma Kids

Ever since I started working in pediatrics, there has been a story I have wanted to tell.

In the Summer of 2013, I received an email from a dear friend, an old youth leader who I loved very much.

The email told me of the sad news that her daughter Annika had been diagnosed with a stage 3 neuroblastoma.

The news saddened me greatly, knowing what little I did about cancer diagnosis and treatment.

Several months later I began to take care of other children with the same condition.
And now its gonna be pretty hard for me to be quiet about it.

"Awareness brings compassion and compassion brings action"

And we need all three.

Imagine being 2-3 years old (most occur in children under the age of 2).  Having a condition only 4 per million children have.  A condition that causes tumors to grow along the nervous system outside of the brain.

Picture having test after test run, in dark and scary rooms with loud and frightening machines.

It seems that every grown-up you see want to hurt you with a needle to get blood.

Then you sit in a big chair in front of a big desk, while your mom and dad cry.

And then suddenly more hospital visits.  You start to recognize that you are driving to a place that scares you and you begin to cry even before you arrive.

And suddenly there is a weird thing on your chest. But they seem to be able to get blood out of it so no more horrible pokes.

And then then the nurses start giving you "medicine" to make you "feel better".

But you don't feel better.  You feel tired and sick to your stomach.

You hurt and you don't know why  

You have to wear a mask everywhere you go and you can't do the things you used to be able to do.

You feel like you never get to be at home anymore.

You can't sleep through the night anymore, because either you wake up sick or someone wakes you up to "get blood", or "take vitals" whatever that means. 

Its not all bad I suppose,  You get ANY food you like cause all the grown ups seem to be very worried about how much you eat.  You get to watch lots of tv.  You get to meet famous people and have lots of grownups tell you how cute you are.  You get to see clowns and dogs, make music and be the nurse's helper.

Now I don't tell you this story for pity.  I don't even tell you this story to get money or support for a cure from you (although I have included a link below for more information and how to get involved.)

I tell you this story to open your eyes.

In my line of work I have realized how blessed every parent of a healthy child is.

And so this is all I ask.

Be grateful for your health and the health of those around you.

And please pray for those who are not.

Annika-so glad your journey is going forward...so glad you are coming home for a while.

All my love and prayers are coming atcha....don't try to dodge em cause we all could use a few extras!

I hope to continue to talk about neuroblastomas, and Annika's story as time goes on. 

http://www.cncfhope.org/

The list of foundations is endless.  I have done a SMALL amount of research and have found this foundation to be wonderful in there information and efforts for research.

I encourage you to do your own research of course before getting involved with ANY charity.

http://annikasepicjourney.com/about-me/

This is a blog begun by Annika's mother if you wish to follow her journey.