Today was a bit of a roller coaster!
I won't get into too many details...other than that I suddenly sat in shocked dismay feeling as though I had lost an ally and a protector.
It luckily was a misunderstanding and I ended the night with two allies and two protectors.
But there for a while I felt very low. And as I drove home, this song came on.
"To free all those who trust in Him from Satan's power and might"
Satan was trying to bring me down. But my Savior came in to free me from his power and might.
This time of year its easy to think a lot about Christ and what He has done for us...in a general wide expanse sense.
BUT
I know I don't usually think about the little things. The tiny moments when He frees us from Satan's power and might.
The moments when He truly gives us comfort and joy....not just tidings of it.
So a million years ago (ok it was only like 3...it just feels like a million) I ended a 365 day lyric blog. A song a day. All year.
It was exhausting honestly haha. But after I finished, I missed it. And ever since a small part of me has always longed for the days when I had guidance and direction on what to write about!
And now here we are at Christmas time. And Christmas music is a constant sound at my house and in my car.
Christmas songs are so special...and I have many favorites.
Maybe thinking about Christmas songs will finally help me get over my blog writers blog hump!!!
My career/education could take a turn...if I want it to.
My social life could shift....if I let it.
My living situation could alter...if that's what I choose.
But here is the thing. It could change....if I decide that's what I will do.
It doesn't HAVE to change.
Anyone who knows me knows the pro/con lists and flow sheets of if this...then that are ABUNDANT in my life right now.
Its been a frustrating time, not knowing which direction I should take.
I spend lots of time in my car and it is often the perfect place for out-loud and...well lets call them... honest conversations with my Heavenly Father.
They aren't the tradition bow your head, close your eyes and kneel down prayers.
They are more the "look...here's what's going on" prayers.
Recently I was having one of these prayers. And in exasperation I said "I don't know what to do! Tell me what to do and I'll do it!"
Suddenly....This song came on the radio......
Now I'm not saying God made this song come on the radio.......
But I know He helped me hear it in that moment.
The answer to my question was to be brave.
Who knows what on earth that means, but its meant I've been looking for bravery.
I saw it in a dear friend who openly admitted to having a problem and asked for help.
I saw it in a severely depressed young women who reached out to a person who might reject her.
I saw it in a young girl who was sick but went through a medical treatment with her head up and her eyes bright.
Bravery means doing something that scares us. It means not letting our fears paralyze us.
It means going outside of our comfort zone.
Its hard to be brave. And we can't always be perfect at it. But lets celebrate the moments we are!
Something my church had begun to do recently is put out "Mormon Messages".
Little videos of inspiration, hope and love.
This one is very special to me.
You might want to grab a tissue (I needed one!)
Please watch......
Now if you wouldn't mind I'd love to talk about it a little.
This topic is close to my heart.
We all have people in our lives who we love, who are struggling with feelings of depression.
Feelings that can, when a perfect storm hits, can develop into thoughts of suicide.
Few of us however are trained in psychology or psychiatry.
I have personally felt like I didn't know what to say and what to do.
I have had friends who have said they didn't know what to say or what to do.
You don't have to know. Of course you want to fix it. Of course you want to say the perfect thing. Find the silver bullet that will save the person you love, even when they don't want to be saved.
But it doesn't have to come from what you say.
It comes from your presence. From being there. From standing by.
When you feel that low its hard to see anyone who cares or anyone who will not be better off without you around.
So prove them wrong. Gently help them see your love.
(I say gently, as forcing yourself on someone doesn't usually end well)
Help them know you are there, by being there.
Presence. Its cheesy and cliche. But its the best present you can give.
You may not know someone right now who is struggling with deep and intense thoughts of suicide.
But you know someone who is discouraged. You know someone who is broken hearted and in need of your love. And you never know what personal and internal battle they might be facing.
Look out for them. Love them.
I have watched people turn to the most unlikely of "saviors" in their darkest moments because they knew there would be nothing but love.
Be the person people can turn to. Be the look out. Give the gift of presence and love.
How many times have we been told we should be grateful.
That there are so many people who have it worse than us.
I hate that. Truly hate that!
Maybe its just the world according to me....but there is no such thing as a "worse" trial.
Everyone has bad things happen to them. And it doesn't matter if they might be considered by outsiders to be small or huge. It doesn't even matter if in a few years you, yourself might not consider it to be a big trial.
They are huge and serious to you in this moment.
And they are huge and serious to your loving Heavenly Father. He worries just as much about the struggling divorcee as He does about parents trying to raise 5 kids under the age of 8. He is just as concerned for the girl stranded on the side of the road waiting for AAA to arrive as He is for the alcoholic.
Last night I took the time to read a blog I have been meaning to read since a family friend introduced it to me back in March.
What would you do if your husband and the father of your 5 children, the youngest 6 weeks old, was brutally murdered by the husband of his mistress?
Of anyone, this women might be justified in saying her trails were worse than anyone else's.
But what does she say?
Whatever the situation and wherever you have been . . . you have been hurt. You have felt alone. You have been abandoned, either by your parents, your lover, your friends, complete strangers, or even yourself. We have all been at that crossroad where all we have left is ourselves.
Sometimes these moments of lows have brought you to your knees and caused you to reflect and ponder your relationship with God . . . and other times they have made you question if He is even there, or if He knows you are alone. Whatever that moment has been for you, it is personal and real. It has defined and refined who you are, who you think you were, and who you want to become.
(If I wasn't impressed with this women already....guess what...I was FLOORED by this statement)
It is personal and real.
I'm not against squaring your shoulders and counting your blessings.
I'm not saying that gratitude is not an important part of getting through trials.
Both are crucial in survival and are essential for happiness
But I have seen too many people belittle their own feelings.
And worse I have seen too many people lessen and disregard the pain and the hurt of others.
Never think you are better than someone because you think you have hurt more than them.
Never think someone doesn't have a right to feel pain because their trial is small.
And never feel guilty for being hurt. For struggling with a trial or temptation.
It matters. You matter.
And so does everyone else.
We all have trails. We all struggle.
So lets be kind to each other. And to ourselves.
Also if you want to bawl your eyes out, or hear incredible stories of forgiveness and strength in trials.....
Bones and bodies can fail due to circumstance or disease.
Cars and technology can malfunction.
Personal belongings can be gone in seconds.
Natural disasters can come from no where and forever change what was.
And seemingly worst of all....
Relationships can be wounded and damaged.
Ideals and dreams can be crushed and lost.
During a particularly dark and dreary time in my life, I looked to a dear friend for comfort and advice.
Through my tears I told him how broken things had become. How I didn't know what to do anymore.
I've always considered myself a pretty capable person. I'm really good at finding solutions to problems.
But the problems I faced didn't have solutions I could see.
I'll never forget what he said...and even more how he said it.
He looked at me...with the most kind eyes. "I feel impressed to tell you...It can be fixed"
The most broken things can be repaired.
My life is no different than any other. My sorrows are not unique or special in anyway.
And yet...there is a solution. A specific, individual solution, just for me.
Every problem that keeps me up at night.
Every sorrow that breaks my heart.
Every hurtful, painful thing that brings tears to my eyes.
They all can be fixed.
A deeply faithful person would say something like "It all will be fixed on the Lord's time table and in the Lord's way"
But I'm not that faithful right now.
And thats ok. I'll take my mustard seed. My little glimmer of faith and hope that all that is broken will be mended.
I don't want to worry about the whats or the hows. Its too exhausting. And leads me to doubt and question and fear.
When I feel like I'm drowning in the raging waters of this life...I grab on to this one thought...
It can be fixed
And yours can too.
I don't usually include scripture or doctrinal evidence when I write-I prefer to be anecdotal.
But please-if you would like to know what doctrinal basis/knowledge/foundation I have for this faith, the following links may be helpful.
My previous post for today is going to get put on hold.
Because today I found out some very sad news.
Below is a post I wrote back in February about the sweet daughter of a dear friend of mine.
She had been doing well at the time. Finishing the first major round of treatments and waiting for the next step.
Friday she suffered a major setback and it is medically clear that she will not be with us much longer.
So many thoughts are swirling in my mind.
I'm ashamed to admit there are thoughts of anger.
She had to be one of the 4 in 1 million?
This is a beautiful righteous wonderful family.
Its not fair. Its not fair at all. How could this happen
They have prayed so hard. They have fought so hard.
So much prayer and fasting. So many times have names been put on the alters of the temple
She is so young and so precious.
But at the same time thoughts of gratitude can't be pushed aside.
I'm grateful for my knowledge that children, under the age of eight are saved. They have that magical golden ticket to pass by the sentinels that stand watch at the gates of heaven.
I'm grateful to know that families are eternal, and that regardless of what may happen, The Graves family will be able to be with their little Anni again.
I'm grateful to know that soon this sweet 3 year old will be free of the pain and fear that has plagued her life these last many months.
Then my thoughts turn to prayer.
Prayers that her parents will be comforted in their grief. That their faith will be strengthened and their heavy hearts lifted.
Prayers that her siblings will be able to cope and find solace in a world that doesn't make sense even if you are an adult.
Prayers for grandparents who have put their heart and souls into anchoring and supporting this family. Prayer that they will feel strong and be able to grieve and support-a dual task that is not an easy one.
Prayers for the friends and neighbors who have helped...prayer that they will continue to flood this family with love and assistance.
Prayers for the medical team caring for this sweet girl and her family. That they will make all the best decisions and give the highest level of care. And that they will be comforted in their sorrow...we may see it a lot, but we are not immune.
One of the most powerful lessons I remember from Rebekah (Anni's mother) when I was a teenager was on prayer. With great emotion she told us of times when she prayed and her prayers were answered.
Never did I imagine that this lesson would become so powerful as I tried (feebly) to help in some small way.
All we ever can do sometimes is pray.
And so that is what I will do.
Graves family you are in my thoughts...you are in my prayers.
This post is dedicated to all those on the island of misfit toys...
I hesitate to share a post that is so incredibly personal, but I do in hopes that it gives peace and comfort to some, and motivation to others.....
So this will be a two part series......stay tuned for tomorrow.
When this song first came out, I thought it was cheesy and silly.
But then my life got to a place where it suddenly took on a great deal of meaning.
I don't want this to be a whiny sad, woe-is-me post.
This post is not about me. Or at least not just about me
Its about anyone who has ever felt left out.
Anyone who has ever felt worthless and not good enough.
Anyone who has ever felt invisible.
I truly believe there is strength in numbers.
There is comfort that comes with shared experience.
You are not the only one.
I've been called abusive, a whore, a self-righteous skank, privileged and spoiled, manipulative, mean.
All by people who supposedly cared.
wishing all it was, was sticks and stones those words cut deep
I've been the only one not invited to parties, game nights, activities or events.
I've had friends walk away from our friendships.
I have been the girl holding up the wall, or sitting in the corner by herself.
I've been cheated on. I've been used. I've been treated like I was just a piece of meat.
I've had to fight tooth and nail, use every trick I know to get people (both guys and girls) to notice me, or be my friend.
you've been trying for so long to find out where your place is
You've felt this as well haven't you? Well....
Trust the one....Who's been where you are
It don't mean you're all alone
And you're not invisible
There's so much more to life than what you're feeling now
Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible
I haven't always felt invisible.
Its like a cancer that goes into remission for a while, but pops back up, rearing its ugly head.
Life will seem to be going alright...and then you don't get the invitation all your friends do, or an unkind word is said, or you suddenly feel all alone in a crowded room.
And you begin to wonder... "Is there something wrong with me?" "Is there a reason they all seem to not like me?"
Its a constant battle.
A battle that, though I want to give up everyday...I refuse to surrender.
you're strong enough to win
If you don't feel it now...I understand. Its hard to feel the hope when you are in the middle of the muck.
So if you don't-that is ok.
I don't feel it sometimes either.
Just keep listening to the song. Listen until you believe it.
You are NOT invisible.
When the tears don't stop and the loneliness seems to be trying to drown you.
So I posted a few days ago a small small, vague little blurb about the struggles I have been facing lately.
I hesitated to even put that much up (private, personal people shouldn't have blogs hahaha). But since then I have been pondering what was making me so unhappy.
NEEDS.
Not actual needs like food, sleep, air and social interaction.
But the
Perfect Job...satisfying and rewarding. Good paying too
Incredible Friendships....the kind where you never fight, share clothes, finish each others sentences
Poem Worthy Romance...right out of the most recent Chick Flick
Pinterest Inspired Apartment/Home
Glamorous Social Life...free of Awkward Uncomfortable Encounters
Beautiful Children...who are both Well-Behaved AND Adorable
Kinda a hefty list right??
Not only is the list long and full of big stuff.
But the requirements of sheer impossibility added in?
I was setting myself up for complete failure and disaster
I was completely and 100% focused on those needs.
I said they were goals I was working towards. I had a dream...and in my dream it all was possible.
But I let them become more than that.
I began to base the happiness...no contentment I felt on whether or not I was achieving these goals..aka whether or not my needs were being satisfied.
And so I acted. But my futile attempts to force my impossible needs into fruition created unhealthy and dysfunctional situations throughout all areas of my life.
How on earth can I be happy when my happiness is focused on the external?
I was setting myself up for failure. And then the lack of happiness from not having my needs was only compounded on by the fact that I wasn't happy and couldn't figure out why.
Then I wrote that post about happiness on Sunday..and thought of Mara.
(she's my personal life coach along with Sara Barellies!)
Mara writes A Blog About Love and has frequently talked about happiness despite trials.
So I went back and re-read her thoughts on detaching from needs to find happiness.
She says it better than I ever could...
but basically we have to leave behind our desires for the external and search for kindness, compassion, patience.......
Basically we have to become more Christ-like......
We have to leave behind the anger and disappointment that our life is not what we think we need...and discover what our loving God has in store for us.
I hate being negative on my blog...hello the name itself is positive!
But I also don't like to lie.
I've been in a bad mood for 2 weeks.
And its starting to weigh on me. That much negativity gets really old really fast.
So I made a choice. And made a change.
Every stranger got a smile in the hallways of work and the aisle of grocery store.
Whether I felt like smiling or not.
Every bell ringer and checkout lady at the store, the post office, the mall got a
"Happy Holidays" (gotta be politically correct of course hahaha)
Christmas songs played and I took every opportunity to puke Christmas spirit everywhere.
I broke out my little cheap pre-lit tree from my time in an apartment all buy myself and set it up in my bed room.
Its surrounded by old scrubs that I need to get rid of and piles of papers I've collected from HR meetings and orientation with my new job (holy cow kill some trees much???)
But its Christmas spirit.
I'm drinking lots of hot chocolate and wearing red and green and silver and gold.
And I haven't been perfect at it.
But its helped....
So just saying.....if you are in a early winter funk....feeling Scroogy or worse Grinchy....try a little Christmas spirit!
Some of it was situational, some of it was self inflicted.
And what did I do? I went to one of my best friends. And he told me to get it together.
And 2 weeks later...I hadn't.
So I went to another best friend. Who coincidentally said exactly the same thing the first friend said.
And finally I got it.
But why am I telling you this?
Because that second night I was given a CD. And I never made it past the first song....I just kept playing it over and over and over.
The words paint such a lovely picture for me...not to mention the melody is gorgeous and on top of it all Mindy Gledhill sings right in my range!
So often we forget. We forget the place we once knew.
Sometimes we forge ahead on our own...trying to climb a mountain without a guide.
And we get tired and exhausted because we are trying to do it on our own.
I do this constantly and I say to myself "I just want to sleep. I just want my bed"
But how often do we crawl into the bed of faith?
Sometimes we act a fool...and He shakes His head at our foolishness and the brings us in and asks us if we don't mind to "Please cut it out and let me fix it?"
We just have to let Him fix it.
Hopefully this is not too personal and not too spiritual.
I promise the wit and fun will be back tomorrow....but for now..................
Let Him help you be happy. Let Him make you truly healthy.
Confession...they kinda are all connected and kinda all were the same thing...but I feel much more accomplished by saying 3....
1. You've gotta get out of your own way!!!
Life happens...sometimes we are unhappy
Sometimes you can blame situations. Sometimes you can blame others.
BUT
How often do we blame ourselves? Probably not as often as we maybe should.....
Gosh we get in our own way soooo much! We don't let ourselves be happy...by making choices that will CLEARLY make us unhappy
So this week I got out of my own way.
2. Sometimes you have to trade what makes you happy in the moment for what you know will make you happy in the long run.
The easy route is of course the right now happy. But right now happy doesn't last. And sometimes it even leads to long run unhappiness. Long run happiness can be hard in the right now-cause it is hard at first.
But worth it right?
3. SPEAK OUT...SPEAK UP...Say what you want to say
I had a very important conversation this week. About getting out of my own way...and long run happiness.
It was not a fun conversation. It meant I had to be vulnerable and open. Both things I really DON'T like being.
As I was driving home...trying to distract myself and hold back tears.....this song came on
Thanks universe!
You all know how obsessed with I am this song...
Like CRAZY obsessed.
Pretty sure I have posted it AT LEAST 3 or 4 times!!!!
(I love this video too..the girls are sooooo cute!)
You can be amazing You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do As they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is
Say what you wanna say And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
And since, your history of silence Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty Why don’t you tell them the truth?
I have a lot of things that I want this post to be. I have been thinking and writing/rewriting it in my head for a week or 2 now. And I suspect this version you are reading now is at least draft 10!
What I want to talk about has been really important to me recently.
And I think it may not end up in one post. We may be talking about this for weeks!
It has been said that trials come into our lives for 3 reasons
1.We make poor choices that lead to our unhappiness
2. Others make choices that hurt or harm us
3. Life happens and our mortality leads to inevitable grief and sadness
Truth for sure. Its gonna happen...no matter what
BUT
Recently I have better understood our role in our own happiness....in spite of both trials and good times.
There are many reasons why, and I guess that will be where future posts come from.
But today I want to talk about one inspiration.
Mara and Danny from A Blog About Love
(credits go to their blog...and the photographer Saydi Eyre Shumway...for the photo)
This couple is one of the most inspiration and amazing two people I have ever "met"
Both have experienced extremely deep heartaches in their lives. Their hearts have been truly broken.
They have every right and every reason and every excuse to be bitter, jaded, coarse and unhappy.
But they are exactly the opposite.
When I read THIS I was floored. The idea that working for happiness was not foreign to me.
But the idea that we had to let go of the things we think we need to be happy, to truly be happy..that one shook me a bit.
To really get to the place where Mara is, there is a lot of surrendering that has to be done. A lot of changing of attitudes and priorities and perspective. A LOT of work!
And I don't want to say that I don't want to do the work.
Because isn't true happiness worth ALL the work in the world?
OF COURSE!!!
When talking to one of my best friends about this type of surrender and type of change, I caught myself saying "I'm just not there. I just can't do that right now."
And I don't believe I was wrong. I am not yet ready to completely let go. I'm not in a place where I can relinquish control like that.
But I do think I was too dismissing. I was too dismissing of the possibility that the ultimate goal could be reached with small baby steps.
My mother is forever saying "you eat an elephant one bite at a time"
But I didn't know where to start. The complete overhaul I would need to allow myself to truly be happy was so overwhelming, I didn't know where to begin.
But Mara came to my rescue! She recently posted THIS about her active and intentional gratitude following a very significant trial.
So that is where I have begun. I have already started here in my blog world, trying to find the positive, and being happy for the simple joys in life.
And can I tell you since I have been trying to do it in my "outside life", amazing things have happened.
Days that should be terrible aren't so bad. Hard things seem easier to deal with and move on from.
And it hasn't been as hard as I thought.
It was one simple step. And once I feel I have it down, I will take another.
Now I always say at the end of my posts Be Happy Be Healthy.
But this time I really want you all to know that I mean it!
Aside from its poetic nature...the deep meaning of it is truly beautiful.
Life can knock us down.
The nature of being human and living around other humans leads to inevitable hurt and heartache.
And I never believe in ignoring those feelings. Those feelings of anger and sadness are normal and completely fine if you ask me!
The Supreme Example, Jesus Christ wept. He, at times, was angry and upset. He was tried and wounded.
BUT
What happened after?
He worked.
He forgave.
He taught.
He LOVED.
That was where the beauty came in.
The beauty came in the reaction to the emotion.
Emotions-great. What we do with our emotions-ESSENTIAL.
When we are able to have productive and healthy reactions to our emotions...that I believe will mean great happiness and contentment in life.
Laughter will cover the grieving.
Fear will be lost in believing.
Hatred will be covered with love.
I love the idea of coming from a dark place to a place of beauty, hope and love.
Its going be a process. And I hope you won't mind if I share how things are going.
Its always good to take a couple friends on a long trip right?
So as I alluded to on Wednesday in my dear boys....this week had the potential to be really rough for me.
Busy work schedule combined with some "cray cray" life happenings combined with a rotten anniversary.
BUT
This has been a REALLY stellar week.
I have spent a lot of time with friends. A lot of wonderful times.
I am so blessed with amazing friends. Like truly!
I already know that I have an amazing set of friends outside of my immediate visiting circle.
My years at college gifted me with the best friends a girl could ask for.
And I always cry a little about how those times are over. (Another inspiration for this blog!)
BUT
As I have been trying to look for the good and find things in my life to smile about...
I have found them in abundance.
(sweet gushy stuff ahead...beware!)
When life has been hard, when things have felt like they were crashing down around me, they have picked me up.
When I have been the DEFINITION of a hot mess, they haven't judged-only comforted me, and then told me I had to get it together!
They have made me smile and laugh.
And oh the memories.
(only a small portion of the cool cats I have been hanging out with lately....but I LOVE this shot!!)
(more pics will be taken in the future for sure!!!)
I think my favorite Dr Suess quote could be amended slightly....or perhaps given a variation.
"Don't cry cause its happening"
Life happens. It rains...sometimes a lot.
Usually you are just standing there minding your own business and the clouds roll in.
But sometimes...you see the rain clouds off in the distance and run right towards them.
And then suddenly you are soaking wet and shivering...and wondering how you got into this mess.
But does it really matter?
You are wet now....can't undo it.
So make the most of it. Let it make you better
Yesterday afternoon I went for a walk. I needed some perspective on some CRAY CRAY stuff that has been happening lately.
And parks/walks are STELLAR for perspective. (Like seriously...try it sometime!)
But problem was..the minute I left my house...the skies opened up and dropped an ocean of rain.
But all joking aside....it eventually let up a bit and so I went out....sloshed through puddles and got my perspective.
The grass doesn't grow as green without the rain...
This has probably been the rainiest June on record in good ol' StL.
And the grass and trees have never looked greener.
(PS...is there anything better than that rich forest green of trees??)
And the flowers. The flowers are loving it.
Wildflowers have a rough hand dealt to them.
They grow where ever they can manage to find an open spot of dirt.
No one takes care of them. They have to take care of themselves.
But they are strong because of it. They survive the harsh sun...and relish every gust of wind and downpour of rain.
And so its official. I love wildflowers...and parks..and walks in the rain with polka dot umbrellas :)
(probably should NOT share this photo since the lighting has me looking PRETTY ghostly! Paste-y much?)
Also...totally in love with this song. Its like the perfect soundtrack to my walk
also super obsessed with THIS and THIS right now...more on that later. But read them while you listen to this song. It will blow your mind!!!!
(Congrats for finishing this mammoth long post!!!)
