Dear Ninja Scrubs

Today was our last day together.

Its weird and crazy. Its been a long 15 months!
We've done so much together!

We have cared for patients who have passed on.
We have cared for patients as young as 2 hours old and others over 100.
We have been covered in random foreign substances of unknown origins.

In you I have been asked by a 84 year old...and a 4 year old...to be their girlfriend

With you I have felt crummy and scattered and stressed and crazy.
And at the same time I have felt fulfilled, proud, elated and moved.

Its been a crazy ride!!!!

Now I have to decide-do I burn you?
Or....do I frame you so that I never forget?


So that I never forget the patients who touched me.
The patients who changed my life.
The nurses who taught me how to be the nurse I am today

 

The fact that people are going to trust me to not wear these scrubs anymore FREAKS me out just a little.

But its exciting too!  

Finally I'll get scrubs in fun pretty colors.  Scrubs that really fit.  Scrubs with more POCKETS!!!  (this nurse can NEVER have enough pockets)

 

Dear Sing it Out

Usually I like to dance it out.

But today I am singing it out!

Cookie making....poster making....thank you card writing
Prepping for my last ninja scrubs day


Somedays you just gotta shake it out.
Today is that for me.
Crazy stuff is flying at me in all directions.
And my current emotionally unstable condition is not quite prepared to cope with it very well.
In the nursing world we would for sure give me a diagnosis of ineffective coping skills

Cause the sometimes the devil gets on your back
Every demon wants his pound of flesh
So just shake them off!!!!!

(I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Smash version!  Enjoy yourself!)

Dear Come Thou Fount

WAHOO for link-up parties!

This one is over at Shaylee Ann's

She is someone I have recently discovered...LOVE LOVE!!!

SO....Since It's Sunday.......

I listened to church/efy music on my drive back from St Louis to Columbia (made it in 89 minutes this time WOOOHOOO!!)

But ANYWAY...point IS...the song Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing came on.

I feel like I should have a lot to say about it. But honestly as I sit here the words don't seem to want to come.

And everytime I hear this song it feels like something brand new.

Everytime a new line sticks out...a new part touches me.

So here is what I will do. I will let you listen. I will let you feel what you should feel.

What part sticks out to you today??

 

Please excuse the crazy 80s hair and outfits!  hahaThis is the best arrangement I have ever heard of this song.It is so powerful!(but maybe I'm biased cause its the Y...and Mac Wilberg....and I've sung this version before and it is THE BOMB.COM!!!!)

Dear Fruits

Alright-this post is going to be full of a lot of random thoughts.

Lets hope they are organized is some semblance of logic so they can be understood.


Some time ago I was trying to make some decisions about the circle of friends I was going to put myself in.

I had been hanging out with one group for several months...but it was beginning to wear on me.
They were not exactly the most uplifting crowd.
I wanted to leave. But we all know that leaving a group of friends is NEVER easy.
Being who I am, I of course, called my parents for their advice.


My dad gave me some advice that still sticks with me today. He said "Stephanie, by their fruits ye shall know them" (haha my dad would quote scripture when giving me advice! LOVE LOVE)


So I thought about their "fruits" What had they done, what had they created.

In this case I had a perfect comparison, as I also had a second group of friends.

I thought of various interactions I had had with each group.
The more I thought about it, the more striking the difference became.

Now, of course, I have to throw in these observations are my PERCEPTIONS. Perceptions and intent are two very different things. (I should prolly do a post about that sometime hahaha)

The fruits of one: building me up, letting me know they appreciated and loved me, supporting me in everything I did, giving me a shoulder to cry on, an ear to vent to, and a hand to hold. They were there for me whether I was happy or sad. They didn't care which, they just wanted to be with me.

The fruits of the other: tearing me down, making me feel unloved and unwanted, constant badgering and teasing and rarely supportive. And I felt like I could only be one person around them-happy go-lucky and all-put-together.


It wasn't that the one group was better than the other (well maybe they were haha)
But it was mostly that one group was better for me.

One group tried to show their apparent affection through seemingly harmless teasing and badgering.
The other said "do what you do".

So who do you think I perceived more love from????


So moral of the story. By your fruits people will come to know you. What you create is more important than individual actions. But added up actions is what you create.
So be aware of what your actions are creating.
And make it good.
It might not be easy-and I certainly could work on this too.
So lets do it together ok??

Dear AWESOME MEDLEY

OH MY HOLY COW

This is an AWESOME mashup!!!

Just want to share early this morning....a real post will come later I'm sure!!!!!

LOVE LOVE

Dear Dreams

you are weird sometimes.

The various theories and reasons that have been thrown out for why we have dreams an what they mean are just crazy!

Sometimes I feel like my dreams match what has happened that day.  Or what I have been thinking about that day.

But no matter what they are about...they are strange.
Either for their content...the feelings they invoke...or most common...their logic!

I'm used to weird dreams...people from church/choir showing up at school.  Being at home...but its not my home.

But lately I have had more and more weird dreams.

Last night took the cake though.

I have this friend....he is the BESTEST!
We met my freshman year and got reconnected my junior year (out at the Y)
The summer before my senior year is when we got really close.
We never had a romantic relationship at all, but he has always been there for me.  Has always built me up--never pulled me down.  He is always there to make me smile when I most need it.

We haven't talked in a couple months... Not since I called him on his birthday earlier this year.

So why is he showing up in my dreams??

Why am I showing up on his doorstep, surprising him cause I am back in town?
And suddenly I am in this HUGE bear hug...

The showing up is not even the weird part...the hugging is!
I am a hugger...so me hugging is not strange.  BUT this kid...Big Brother.  NOT a hugger!!!
NOT AT ALL!!!! We have known each other for over 5 years now...and I have prolly gotten like 4 hugs out of him EVER. and they were NEVER big bear hugs that last for a long time

And then all the sudden  we are chilling on the couch...catching up and he is confessing his love for me. 
And not in the normal romantic chick flick way.
In a very Big Brother way.  Matter-of-fact and marginally awkward.  We are just sitting there next to each other on the couch...me looking at him...him staring at the wall in front of him.


It wasn't butterfly inducing or the type of dream that makes you wake up grinning.
It was just weird.

And when I woke up...my response was  "That was weird"  Followed by "That would never happen"  Followed by "Where the flippity flip did that come from!!!"

WOWIE dreams...get a hold of yourselves!

Dear Hypo/Hyperthermia

In the medical world, we get concerned when a patient has a high temp...but isn't sweating anymore.
Or when their temp is too low, and they aren't shivering anymore.

These outward signs of an internal problem are actually good signs.
It means the body is attempting to compensate.  They tell you the body knows its not the right temperature.... that it is trying to fix the problem on its own.

When I am stressed out...my outward signs--tears. Generalized freaking out. List making...control taking
You can tell I'm stressed.

The past couple of days I have noticed...headaches, insomnia, stomachaches...but no freaking out.
No crying. My body has stopped sweating.  I'm not shivering anymore

No bueno

I'm dancing on the edge of a cliff, any second about to fall into the ocean known as mental and emotional breakdown.

You might think I am being dramatic.  Over-reacting.
And to that I respond....right....you'll be my first call when I am on a 96-hour psych hold at MUPC and we shall see who was over or under reacting!!!!!!!!


I knew nursing school would be hard.  But I didn't realize it would be this bad.
I didn't realize that one wrong move could put me on the brink of failing.
The brink of having to stay another 4 months...take out another loan...do it all again.
After all this work and all this time..all the grey hairs, ulcers, sleepless nights, and tears shed...imploding in the final stretch.

I mean its not for sure, set in stone....just a large possibility.
"Well prevent it" you say.  Well I could maybe do that...but there are no guarantees in nursing school

I only have 13 more days.  I used to say I could do anything for 13 months (roughly the length of this program)
Lets hope that this phrase remains true for these last 13 days.

Keep your fingers crossed this program is not going to put me in the funny farm!!!!!!

 

 a slightly dramatic song.  But its all I've got to do at this point!!!!!!

Dear Boys: Hospital Edition

dear attractive pharmacist

WOWIE you are one hot tamale!!!!!!

love

that student nurse who tried to check out your hand but couldn't!

dear other attractive pharmacist

Is it a requirement for pharmacists to be hot???

Good glory!!!!

love

the girl who received a negative left hand test result :)

dear attractive hospital men everywhere

This is really an unfortunate situation.  

You only ever see me when 

a) I don't have a SPECK of makeup on
b) my hair is back in a pony

c) I'm in clothes that are less than flattering

and d) I either smell like something funky...or have something funky actually ON me...or more likely BOTH!

love

the nurse who will likely never be able to date anyone from work!

Linky Party with Miss Elisey-Pants!!!!!!!

Dear Bachelorette Fans: Movie Monday Edition

Here is a play by play...I'm writing this as I watch!  Super duper exciting!  (also...spoiler alert if you haven't seen it yet!)

Hmmmm....you want a guy with an edge?  Sean DOES NOT have one.  hmmm

Crying about Arie hmmmmmm foreshadowing???

Letter to Ricky from Sean  Really???  can we say PANDERING!

Dear bad awkward small talk conversations in the swimming pool  yuck!

Is she saying she wants to leave? She is leaving!!
Oh she is being a good girl.  Not gonna spend the night.
Is she going to do that with them all????

Dear Sean...why aren't you wearing shoes?  you should wear shoes

Commercial break...may I say the whole idea of the fantasy suite thing is RIDICULOUS.  I do not like it.  And not because I am a uptight old-fashioned girl.  Its just kinda icky....just saying

All these guys are so sure...they know there is 2 other guys right????

Jef with one F asking the tough questions...way to go!  (can you tell I'm a Jef with one F fan)
Is she still hung up on the family thing!!!??? Get over it sister.
He's Mormon and you are not....so they will be a little disappointed no matter what.  But they are still going to like you.  Cause you are a nice person.

I think he would be a good dad too.  He would be fun.  And he wants to be a dad...wanting is half the battle

Painting analogy?  CHEESY!! The sun is setting but we are starting a new life...SERIOUSLY??  ICK

UGGG...What are you wearing honey!?  no way!!!

She pictures him in her life best.
Aww what a gentleman..is she really complaining that he respects her???
EWWWW ANIMALS ON THE GROUND!!!!  PETA is gonna have a fit!
Dear Mormon Upbringing--"Bridle these passions" hahaha


No way you can swim with dolphins...in the middle of the ocean...where else would you swim with them
you should prolly talk not just kiss....that ends...no good!
she is going to stay the night with him wont she...she needs to send him home...its only about the physical for them

Oh you are so good with kids?? glad you think so...the jury is still out in my book
Not even going to give him the card

seriously honey you have a pickle on your hands
Arie's got your hormones
Jef has your heart
and Sean has your head

Your weird chopped off straight hair extensions...weird


Sean-Why did you come if you were so cynical about it???
also...you look scraggaly

Jef-Its the eye of London...you sound so fake too..I think you just wrote it and read it though
Guard and protect your heart...really Jef?  Also...you look hot tonight!

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO!
No season so far has been this close/hard!

OH MY GOSH JUST DO IT ALREADY!!!!

oh good...Jef with one F is SAFE...deep sign of relief!

Cue dramatic music

my heart is pounding!

AND Arie...CALLED IT!

poor kind sweet sean!
you were just too boring for her.

What a classy guy
What is that horrible tweeting noise.  Is that the TV...or outside my window??/?
I love that he is sad without being all blubbery

is she going to walk away from both of them?? hmmmmmm can't wait

Many times this episode.....

ps...love my curly pinterest hair??  LOVE LOVE LOVE

Dear THE List

Alright now for a serious post.
Serious you say..arent you supposed to be a qwilly girl who says only swilly things??
hahaha sorry to disappoint!

Today I am again going to talk about lists.
So warning to those out there who hate the idea of "THE list".

I think it is important to create an idea in your mind of what kind of a person you would like to agree to spend eternity with.

I think general ideas and qualities are good to think about.
We are talking eternity here...and marriage.  This is not something to be taken lightly!

I wrote about "THE list" a little while ago

That list had a lot of "Must Bes"
There were a few CANNOTs there at the end.  But mostly needs to be was the name of the game.
Its roughly 6 months later (WOW time flies!)
And lots has happened of course (gotta love the most constant thing in life...change)

Now 6 months later I am thinking about the list again.
Its getting longer.  UH OH!!!!!  (again I say...31 or BUST!)

But this list is not full of needs to.
Its full of can'ts and won'ts

-Can't play violent video games....stay tuned for a future post about this one
-Can't joke around about dangerous things.....maybe around your boys...but not me and not my kids
-Can't make crude/rude/inappropriate jokes
-Won't use forms of bad words...its not about the word-its about the intent.  And using the first letter to express the same feelings/meanings that you would have if you had said the real word....NOT OK
-Won't tease me excessively.  Teasing is something brothers and dads and uncles do...not husbands

Ok Ok I know I am picky.
But recent experiences have made me realize how important these things are.

I am still not totally sold on the whole marriage thing in the first place.
If you are going to get me on board..he is going to have to be a good guy!

He doesn't have to be perfect (heaven knows I'm not!)
But he has to be perfect for me.
And someone who is perfect for me...is going to fit "THE list"




PS...What is on your "list" more musts or must nots???? anything I should add? Goodness knows my list could stand a few additions hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ;)

Dear Weather Gadget on my Homepage

You say "Columbia, MO Current: Light Rain"
I don't know where you are getting your facts....but I've got hot and sunny. You should prolly check on that.

Dear Letting Go

I like this song today tonight.
Not quite sure why it is sticking with me.

Don't you just love the poetry of it...there is beauty in the breakdown. I know its kind of a cliche phrase but I like it. The idea that good can come from bad...blessings in disguise etc. Kinda like it  
 ps....dont worry im not actually breaking down....just liking the song thats all
no one message/call/text in a panic :)

Dear Milk Carton

You are dated the 21st of July.
I give a gallon of milk 5 days post sell by date. Then I get careful. I HATE HATE HATE HATE the taste of sour milk (I mean who really doesn't...but for reals I HAAAAATTTTEEEE it)

Do you know that means I will make pudding on the 25th to finish you before you go bad.

Do you know that I will be eating that pudding while packing up my apartment?

You expire AFTER I graduate. AFTER I'm done.


That FREAKS me OUT!!!!


18 days ladies and gents 18 days!!!!!!

Dear Yesterday's post...

I saw this on pinterest and thought of you
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ;)

Source: mormonheygirl.tumblr.com via Jenevra on Pinterest

Dear Definition of Old

Ok so I know that this is super crazy.

But I am super old!!!  

Now before all the people who are older than me get their panties in a twist and their knickers in a knot...

Before ya'll start into stories about when I was your age that I'm sure will end in uphill both ways

And before you lay into me about how old you are...

let me explain why I say this. 

I realize age wise..I'm not that old.  I'm not even 24 yet.

BUT.....I am a college grad.  I'm days away from finishing my 2nd college degree.

I work 20 hours a week at one job and 24-36 at another.
I am in school full time (9 credits of summer classes works out to at least 12-14 in a regular semester).
(And all this can only be done in 5 of the 7 days of the week.)
I go to a family ward.  I wake up early..and I never go out during the week cause of it.
I rarely go out on weekends...cause A) I'm exhausted and B) I need to study and C) I don't want to go out cause I would way rather sit on my couch and veg on a Friday night than do ANYTHING that involves clothes other than pjs!

I cook for myself, I shop for myself, I do my own laundry.
I own a car and only mooch a small amount of food from my parents when I go home for visits

I'm lame...I'm old.

My facebook pictures used to be this....
 
and this

and  this


and now???





LAMO!!!!!

Everyone around me is getting married and getting preggers.
They get babies and hubbies...I get DIPLOMAS!

For reals I am pretty sure 75% of the girls younger than me that I grew up with...
MARRIED/ENGAGED/PREGNANT!

In the infamous words of Miss Mallory of Divine Comedy fame..."Another girl who is younger than me who is in love....WOW  Thats NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!!!  ;)

Its nutty.

There are some positives to being old.  Some money. (but also some debt)  Some achievement.  Some life experience and knowledge.  And of course lots of fun memories

So I am old....I've never liked cats before...but maybe I should try ;) tehehe

One time I had a professor who said we should look in the mirror and pick a body part we hate...and say to ourselves: "I love and embrace my _____" 

AND SO.... I love and embrace my oldness hahahahahahaha