How many times have we been told we should be grateful.
That there are so many people who have it worse than us.
I hate that. Truly hate that!
Maybe its just the world according to me....but there is no such thing as a "worse" trial.
Everyone has bad things happen to them. And it doesn't matter if they might be considered by outsiders to be small or huge. It doesn't even matter if in a few years you, yourself might not consider it to be a big trial.
They are huge and serious to you in this moment.
And they are huge and serious to your loving Heavenly Father. He worries just as much about the struggling divorcee as He does about parents trying to raise 5 kids under the age of 8. He is just as concerned for the girl stranded on the side of the road waiting for AAA to arrive as He is for the alcoholic.
Last night I took the time to read a blog I have been meaning to read since a family friend introduced it to me back in March.
What would you do if your husband and the father of your 5 children, the youngest 6 weeks old, was brutally murdered by the husband of his mistress?
Of anyone, this women might be justified in saying her trails were worse than anyone else's.
But what does she say?
Whatever the situation and wherever you have been . . . you have been hurt. You have felt alone. You have been abandoned, either by your parents, your lover, your friends, complete strangers, or even yourself. We have all been at that crossroad where all we have left is ourselves.
Sometimes these moments of lows have brought you to your knees and caused you to reflect and ponder your relationship with God . . . and other times they have made you question if He is even there, or if He knows you are alone. Whatever that moment has been for you, it is personal and real. It has defined and refined who you are, who you think you were, and who you want to become.
(If I wasn't impressed with this women already....guess what...I was FLOORED by this statement)
It is personal and real.
I'm not against squaring your shoulders and counting your blessings.
I'm not saying that gratitude is not an important part of getting through trials.
Both are crucial in survival and are essential for happiness
But I have seen too many people belittle their own feelings.
And worse I have seen too many people lessen and disregard the pain and the hurt of others.
Never think you are better than someone because you think you have hurt more than them.
Never think someone doesn't have a right to feel pain because their trial is small.
And never feel guilty for being hurt. For struggling with a trial or temptation.
It matters. You matter.
And so does everyone else.
We all have trails. We all struggle.
So lets be kind to each other. And to ourselves.
Also if you want to bawl your eyes out, or hear incredible stories of forgiveness and strength in trials.....
Bones and bodies can fail due to circumstance or disease.
Cars and technology can malfunction.
Personal belongings can be gone in seconds.
Natural disasters can come from no where and forever change what was.
And seemingly worst of all....
Relationships can be wounded and damaged.
Ideals and dreams can be crushed and lost.
During a particularly dark and dreary time in my life, I looked to a dear friend for comfort and advice.
Through my tears I told him how broken things had become. How I didn't know what to do anymore.
I've always considered myself a pretty capable person. I'm really good at finding solutions to problems.
But the problems I faced didn't have solutions I could see.
I'll never forget what he said...and even more how he said it.
He looked at me...with the most kind eyes. "I feel impressed to tell you...It can be fixed"
The most broken things can be repaired.
My life is no different than any other. My sorrows are not unique or special in anyway.
And yet...there is a solution. A specific, individual solution, just for me.
Every problem that keeps me up at night.
Every sorrow that breaks my heart.
Every hurtful, painful thing that brings tears to my eyes.
They all can be fixed.
A deeply faithful person would say something like "It all will be fixed on the Lord's time table and in the Lord's way"
But I'm not that faithful right now.
And thats ok. I'll take my mustard seed. My little glimmer of faith and hope that all that is broken will be mended.
I don't want to worry about the whats or the hows. Its too exhausting. And leads me to doubt and question and fear.
When I feel like I'm drowning in the raging waters of this life...I grab on to this one thought...
It can be fixed
And yours can too.
I don't usually include scripture or doctrinal evidence when I write-I prefer to be anecdotal.
But please-if you would like to know what doctrinal basis/knowledge/foundation I have for this faith, the following links may be helpful.
My previous post for today is going to get put on hold.
Because today I found out some very sad news.
Below is a post I wrote back in February about the sweet daughter of a dear friend of mine.
She had been doing well at the time. Finishing the first major round of treatments and waiting for the next step.
Friday she suffered a major setback and it is medically clear that she will not be with us much longer.
So many thoughts are swirling in my mind.
I'm ashamed to admit there are thoughts of anger.
She had to be one of the 4 in 1 million?
This is a beautiful righteous wonderful family.
Its not fair. Its not fair at all. How could this happen
They have prayed so hard. They have fought so hard.
So much prayer and fasting. So many times have names been put on the alters of the temple
She is so young and so precious.
But at the same time thoughts of gratitude can't be pushed aside.
I'm grateful for my knowledge that children, under the age of eight are saved. They have that magical golden ticket to pass by the sentinels that stand watch at the gates of heaven.
I'm grateful to know that families are eternal, and that regardless of what may happen, The Graves family will be able to be with their little Anni again.
I'm grateful to know that soon this sweet 3 year old will be free of the pain and fear that has plagued her life these last many months.
Then my thoughts turn to prayer.
Prayers that her parents will be comforted in their grief. That their faith will be strengthened and their heavy hearts lifted.
Prayers that her siblings will be able to cope and find solace in a world that doesn't make sense even if you are an adult.
Prayers for grandparents who have put their heart and souls into anchoring and supporting this family. Prayer that they will feel strong and be able to grieve and support-a dual task that is not an easy one.
Prayers for the friends and neighbors who have helped...prayer that they will continue to flood this family with love and assistance.
Prayers for the medical team caring for this sweet girl and her family. That they will make all the best decisions and give the highest level of care. And that they will be comforted in their sorrow...we may see it a lot, but we are not immune.
One of the most powerful lessons I remember from Rebekah (Anni's mother) when I was a teenager was on prayer. With great emotion she told us of times when she prayed and her prayers were answered.
Never did I imagine that this lesson would become so powerful as I tried (feebly) to help in some small way.
All we ever can do sometimes is pray.
And so that is what I will do.
Graves family you are in my thoughts...you are in my prayers.
Ever since I started working in pediatrics, there has been a story I have wanted to tell.
In the Summer of 2013, I received an email from a dear friend, an old youth leader who I loved very much.
The email told me of the sad news that her daughter Annika had been diagnosed with a stage 3 neuroblastoma.
The news saddened me greatly, knowing what little I did about cancer diagnosis and treatment.
Several months later I began to take care of other children with the same condition.
And now its gonna be pretty hard for me to be quiet about it.
"Awareness brings compassion and compassion brings action"
And we need all three.
Imagine being 2-3 years old (most occur in children under the age of 2). Having a condition only 4 per million children have. A condition that causes tumors to grow along the nervous system outside of the brain.
Picture having test after test run, in dark and scary rooms with loud and frightening machines.
It seems that every grown-up you see want to hurt you with a needle to get blood.
Then you sit in a big chair in front of a big desk, while your mom and dad cry.
And then suddenly more hospital visits. You start to recognize that you are driving to a place that scares you and you begin to cry even before you arrive.
And suddenly there is a weird thing on your chest. But they seem to be able to get blood out of it so no more horrible pokes.
And then then the nurses start giving you "medicine" to make you "feel better".
But you don't feel better. You feel tired and sick to your stomach.
You hurt and you don't know why
You have to wear a mask everywhere you go and you can't do the things you used to be able to do.
You feel like you never get to be at home anymore.
You can't sleep through the night anymore, because either you wake up sick or someone wakes you up to "get blood", or "take vitals" whatever that means.
Its not all bad I suppose, You get ANY food you like cause all the grown ups seem to be very worried about how much you eat. You get to watch lots of tv. You get to meet famous people and have lots of grownups tell you how cute you are. You get to see clowns and dogs, make music and be the nurse's helper.
Now I don't tell you this story for pity. I don't even tell you this story to get money or support for a cure from you (although I have included a link below for more information and how to get involved.)
I tell you this story to open your eyes.
In my line of work I have realized how blessed every parent of a healthy child is.
And so this is all I ask.
Be grateful for your health and the health of those around you.
And please pray for those who are not.
Annika-so glad your journey is going forward...so glad you are coming home for a while.
All my love and prayers are coming atcha....don't try to dodge em cause we all could use a few extras!
I hope to continue to talk about neuroblastomas, and Annika's story as time goes on.
The list of foundations is endless. I have done a SMALL amount of research and have found this foundation to be wonderful in there information and efforts for research.
I encourage you to do your own research of course before getting involved with ANY charity.
Mara does love announcements
And Elise does dear boys.
usually my dear boys have been passive aggressive rants about boys in my life or in the lives of my friends that have been driving me BANANAS.
But...not really happy/sunny/positive.
All three things I'm trying to have more of in my life.
So lets combine the two and have....Love Notes to The Boys
dear volleyball friend
you always made me feel special and wanted. not many people were glad i was there. not only were you...but you told me too. thanks for rising above the culture.
love
spectator
dear supporter
i know it probably didn't mean much to you but it meant lots to me. thank you for your kindness, your understanding and your support.
love
girl trying to make a change
dear bell boy
you are always around and i so appreciate it. you always know just when to text or call.
totally out of the blue! how do you do that?? here's hopin I can be half the friend you are
love
girl in need
dear hott latino
where do i even begin!!!????!!!! you are the ultimate blessing in my life lately!!!
also ps...praying every day and night that i'm a good matchmaker ;)
love
dear dear friend
dear old bald guy
thanks for not trying to change my mind. i know you probably wanted to. thanks for being a card carrying member of my fan club
love
won't be a stranger
dear king of the tie-dye people
thanks for creating a culture where we could be ourselves and flourish. also thanks for being a good friend full of great advice.
love
former tie-dye girl
dear methadone
thanks for being around. you bridged me well when i really needed it.
even though its time for me to step back....know i will always hope and pray that you get back to where i know you can be. you are an incredible guy. be incredible!
love
former addict
dear tie-dye boys
you will forever and always be the bench mark for what guys in my life should be like. thanks for memories that still bring a much needed smile.
love
lets be honest.. ALWAYS tie-dye girl
dear lomlabffe
i'm here. not going anywhere. just let me know when you're ready. when you want to talk...cry...yell..or just sit in total silence. i'm here for you. you have always been there for me. i hope you'll let me help you back.
love
me
I got to talk to a dear dear friend tonight...tissues and tears abounded.....but I left feeling lifted.
Life throws a lot of curve balls and today I felt like I was in a batting cage with no bat....getting pelted by balls right and left.
So I called a friend and luckily he was still awake and alright with me saying through sobs "I'm coming over...I'm halfway there and I'll see you in 7 minutes"
He is a wise and caring friend...and he let me rant and cry and just get it all out. And then he gave me some lovely advice.
And he told me something that I am now going to call the parable of the elevator.
We all know how an elevator works. You push the button. The cart arrives. The door opens. You get in and it takes you where you need to go.
But have you ever thought about what would happen if those steps didn't go in that order?
What if the door opened before the cart arrived?
If the door opened and there was no cart, you would step in and fall, potentially to your death.
Sometimes its all about timing.
And sometimes the closed door is protection.
Its hard to see the closed door. You push and push and push that button, impatient for the cart to arrive.
And sometimes you wait. You wait for what seems like forever.
But then finally the door opens and you safely get to your destination.
But if that door had opened early....who knows what would have happened.
Its hard to stand and wait. Its hard to have the perspective that the cart hasn't yet arrived.
So even when its hard.
We have to be grateful for closed doors.
Anyone who has been following me frequently/for a while (ehem...you know who you are) knows I adore this song.
A beautiful song about seeing the beauty in the heart break of closed doors
This post is dedicated to those who travel to the island of misfit toys to retrieve the invisible, and make them un-invisible
I am almost as hesitant for this post as I was for yesterday's.
But I have been so humbled and completely astounded by the lovely response I have received to yesterday's post....that I have a little courage today!
None of us are perfect. We are all going to make mistakes...inadvertently hurt another person in our path.
I don't want anyone to feel discouraged or guilty.
Instead I would like to motivate and encourage.
Cause YES the people in my life have hurt me, on purpose and by complete accident.
BUT there have been countless people who have healed me when I needed it most.
Small things make a difference. When I have been fighting the cancer of invisibility, my chemo has been kind words, uplifting people.
But it never was just one compliment...never has been one act of inclusion.
It has been multiple....many seemingly insignificant moments that save you.
Sitting by someone sitting alone isn't grandeous....but it combats loneliness
A smile and wave..even from across the room doesn't stun teams of oxen....but it can change a life.
A compliment on an outfit, or a task might not seem like much...but you never know.
You don't have to look far. Many times we don't act invisible. So take a guess. Help out anyone.....and pretty sure, you will be exactly right
We all have the ability to change the course of a day for another person. It takes a little bit of effort to see the lonely and to be kinder than you have to be. But its worth it.
Do you best to not exclude. Do your best to use kind words and kind actions.
This is really the whole thing.
In my life there have been many people in my life who have seen me when I felt as though I was fading away.
Dear friends have said kind and lovely things, just when I needed to hear them.
So thanks to you.
And thank you to the hundreds of people who have and will save us invisibles
This post is dedicated to all those on the island of misfit toys...
I hesitate to share a post that is so incredibly personal, but I do in hopes that it gives peace and comfort to some, and motivation to others.....
So this will be a two part series......stay tuned for tomorrow.
When this song first came out, I thought it was cheesy and silly.
But then my life got to a place where it suddenly took on a great deal of meaning.
I don't want this to be a whiny sad, woe-is-me post.
This post is not about me. Or at least not just about me
Its about anyone who has ever felt left out.
Anyone who has ever felt worthless and not good enough.
Anyone who has ever felt invisible.
I truly believe there is strength in numbers.
There is comfort that comes with shared experience.
You are not the only one.
I've been called abusive, a whore, a self-righteous skank, privileged and spoiled, manipulative, mean.
All by people who supposedly cared.
wishing all it was, was sticks and stones those words cut deep
I've been the only one not invited to parties, game nights, activities or events.
I've had friends walk away from our friendships.
I have been the girl holding up the wall, or sitting in the corner by herself.
I've been cheated on. I've been used. I've been treated like I was just a piece of meat.
I've had to fight tooth and nail, use every trick I know to get people (both guys and girls) to notice me, or be my friend.
you've been trying for so long to find out where your place is
You've felt this as well haven't you? Well....
Trust the one....Who's been where you are
It don't mean you're all alone
And you're not invisible
There's so much more to life than what you're feeling now
Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible
I haven't always felt invisible.
Its like a cancer that goes into remission for a while, but pops back up, rearing its ugly head.
Life will seem to be going alright...and then you don't get the invitation all your friends do, or an unkind word is said, or you suddenly feel all alone in a crowded room.
And you begin to wonder... "Is there something wrong with me?" "Is there a reason they all seem to not like me?"
Its a constant battle.
A battle that, though I want to give up everyday...I refuse to surrender.
you're strong enough to win
If you don't feel it now...I understand. Its hard to feel the hope when you are in the middle of the muck.
So if you don't-that is ok.
I don't feel it sometimes either.
Just keep listening to the song. Listen until you believe it.
You are NOT invisible.
When the tears don't stop and the loneliness seems to be trying to drown you.
