So today in church.....

They always say that this time in our lives is one of great turmoil and confusion. There are tons of decisions to make and things to do. But I really think it is not the decisions that are the hard part...it is the time in between the decision and when the event happens that are the hard part. I don't know about anyone else but I personally have at least 3 mini-crises a day when I am in that interim part of life. Sometimes they are more than mini and I have to call in the reinforcements (aka the rents, the roomies, or the sibs).

So today for our closing hymn in Sacrament Meeting, we sang Lord I Would Follow Thee. The third verse of this song actually is the "theme song" of the BYU School of Nursing. Ever since I found that out...and even though I have chosen to not pursue nursing at BYU...I have kind of used this as a theme song for my own course of nursing.

I have been kinda struggling lately with the decision of what to do about my future schooling..where to go etc. I have no idea where I will end up and have even considered lately that I might not be a nurse. I have wanted to be a nurse since I was 16 years old so when I switch and seriously consider MFT (marriage and family therapy). I LOVE my MFT classes and really feel like I would have fun helping families deal with their various issues and struggles. I LOVE volunteering and would love to help at risk families. There is a 9 year old boy right now at the center who will likely be there for at least 2 weeks. This means he was likely removed from an unsafe environment or his parents were incapable of caring for him due to their own health, mental or physical. This kind of thing totally breaks my heart. I want to help these families. I want to help this to not happen!


But then I sit there and hear that song and listen to the lyrics of that third verse.

"I would be my brother's keeper I would learn the healer's art

To the wounded and the weary I would show a gentle heart.

I would be my brother's keeper-Lord, I would follow thee."

I know nursing is what I want to do...I just have to figure out a way to help families while I do it. There are some days when I am sure that anatomy is going to kill me or I am positive that none of the schools I am applying to will accept me. But I have to keep going. The best way for me to be able to have an influence on my patients is if I am good. And the only way I am gonna get good is if I work my tail off.

So today in church as I sat listening to the almost personal invitation and mandate to care for those who need my help I felt a little overwhelmed. What if I can't be good...what if anatomy does kill me or I don't get into any schools. But then I thought about what the rest of the song talks about. It not only talks about our responsibility to help our brothers and sisters, but that the Lord loves us all and will qualify us to help His children. I truly came to realize this morning that I will be able to do the good I want to do as long as I allow myself to be directed. The Lord will put me in a place where I can bless His children. If I couldn't help them he would put me somewhere where I could. He loves us too much to make us figure it all out on our own.

So crisis averted...I will still be a nurse and I pray to God that He will help me figure it all out and be the best nurse I can be.

sorry to get all spiritual---but its Sunday...and its who I really am :D

Quick update

For those of you who are interested......the first of five..possibly six..nursing school application has been submitted.
Friday I submitted the first to the University of Missouri aka Mizzou. I am not really super keen on going to this school but I would get in-state tuition and the required GPA is FAR lower than the one I currently have. So it is kinda a safety school.

For those who don't know applications for Goldfarb Nursing School in StL, Johns Hopkins in Baltimore, and Mass Gen Hospital School of Health Professions in Boston will be going in in the next couple of weeks with their deadlines being in the first part of November. University of Utah in Salt Lake and Oregon Health and Science University in Portland are due in Jan and prolly will be done Dec ish.

There is currently no front runner. They all have pros and cons so I am just going to wait and see which ones let me in!!! keep your fingers crossed for me!

Autumn in Utah

I absolutely adore fall.....I am thinking it might be my favorite season. I love the warm sunny days and the crisp nights. I love leaving my window open all night and then not wanting to get out of bed in the morning because it is too cold! I love the fall leaves and the smell of the air. There is always a hint of fire smell in fall air. I love that I can wear my trench coat and scarves and hats....but not have to wear so many layers that I look and feel like a marshmallow.
These are some shots I took conference weekend when a bunch of my ward (church congregation) went up the Alpine Loop (Provo Canyon...past Sundance for those who don't know), to Cascade Springs. GORGEOUS!!!!!!!!! Plus I was there with awesome people so.... :)

Feeling Pretty Lucky

So I was volunteering again today. Every week something else happens to totally make me fall in love with these kids. This time I went in to find only 4 kids. One little boy looked like he had just had a bit of a bad day. He looked upset about something and with kids the best medicine is almost always distraction. So I go over and start to play cars with him. Again I saw a total transformation...he either needed attention or a distraction from what was bothering him. Whichever, I was able to help and I am grateful I had that opportunity.


After a little while of playing with the boys in the room, I saw a little girl sitting over by herself. She looked about 10ish months old, but was actually 1 year old. I had seen her earlier, when she was being held by another volunteer and when I looked over at her she gave me that I am about to cry look like she had given me several other times earlier. So of course...the mushy girl in me went over almost immediately to make sure she was alright. She started to break down as I came over and as I sat down she came over whimpering and put up her hands. I sometimes wonder if the universal signal for "pick me up" is a reflex..cause they all know it! So I picked her up and she just clung to me. Then she got restless and started squirming. I figured she was sufficiently comforted and was ready to get down. So I sat her down and was met with a second eruption of whimpers and her turning around wnating to be held again. So I picked her up again and distracted her with toys (another example of distraction being the KEY to all childcare haha)



Of course after I got over the fact that I adored having an excuse to hold a little girl...I, of course, began to anaylze, as I always do. I am seriously a major nerd. Given the situation this young girl was probably in, her behavior was mostly likely due to attachment issues. She was very "disorganized" in her behavior; wanting to be held, squirming, not quite knowing what she wanted. I think she had some issues with self-soothing as well.
She was very clingy, and when I was able to let her go, I had to stay very close. I had to be right there and always in her eyesight for her to feel safe. Obviously this girl was very concerned about being left and abandoned. Attachment is ESSENTIAL in a child's life. Growing up with a secure attachment is related to numerous positive outcomes and not having one has similar amounts of negative outcomes.

This young girl obviously needed an example of a trusting adult and someone who helped her feel safe. I feel so lucky that I was able to do that for her even if it was only for an hour. If someone can do that for her just occasionally, I know it will help her.

With this "job" I don't always see the results of my efforts and I just have to guess what they will be. But this is enough for me. I feel so blessed and lucky to be able to hang out with super cool kids, who need me. I get to play and snuggle and get excited for the smallest things. What could be better?

5/10 Years Down the Road

So you know back in high school and middle school and elementary school they asked us where we saw ourselves 5 or 10 years in the future? So there is this new show about looking bakc 10 years after high school. I haven't seen an episode (who has time for that!!?!!) but a commercial I saw for it made me think. I am not 10 years from HS graduation nor am a quite 5, but I got the "where do you see yourself" question all through school/adolescence.

So it got me thinking if where I am right now is where I pictured myself being in 2010, my senior year of college. And to be totally honest I am not sure I am where I expected I would be.


True, I am geographically where I thought I would be. Coming out to BYU-Provo has always kinda been in the plans. So that one has happened the way I wanted it to.

But 5 years ago I planned on nursing. I never planned on child development and nursing later. But then again, and I have said this before....this is the way it was supposed to be. I have LOVED child development and it has been a fairly low stress major. I have had to work, but I watch my friends who are in the nursing program and watch them and their levels of stress..and I am grateful. I have learned a ton and everything that I learn I know that I can apply..in my life and in my career. At first it was a hard decision to make...but it was one of the best I have ever made.

5 years ago I planned on never getting married, never dating, never ever ever! It was just a phase I went through I guess. But 10 years ago, I think I pictured myself married. My mom got married at 22 so I guess I always pictured myself getting married around then too. I will turn 22 in November and have no plans on being married before then and likely won't be married soon after either. And upon reflection....I am glad that I am currently not where I thought I would be in this area both 5 and 10 years ago. I am in a kinda between place. Not against marriage anymore but also not planning on it right away. People ask me all the time about it and I'll be totally honest I sometimes feel the pressure being out at BYU where marriage is such a big thing. But I am trying to be faithful about it. I know it will happen if it is supposed to and will happen when it is supposed to. The Lord has taken such good care of me in all the other aspects of my life, that I know He will do that again.

So as I look back and think of where I wanted to be and compare it to where I am now.....I think I am content. It wasn't what I expected when I started writing. I thought I would be disappointed but actually I am ok with how things have worked out. I guess it is a good thing I wrote this all out so that I could figure that out :)

Thoughts about Gratitude

So I might post twice today because I kind of have two things to talk about. The first is how grateful I am. I have had so many opportunities given to me lately and I am just feeling really grateful. There is this song from Wicked---I am sure you all have heard it---called For Good.
Its a great song. And i think that this really applicable to so many people's lives..but right now it is very applicable to mine. The Lord has placed in my life...throughout it in fact I just haven't always noticed.....so many people who are amazing and have helped me so much.

It has been a hard beginning of the semester. I've mentioned how I hardly could find time to sit down??? Things got really insane one week and I just felt so overwhelmed. I of course called my rock....my mom. She is so amazing. She has totally gotten down the perfect balance I need of sympathy and "oh that is so terrible" and "ok stop crying how do we fix this". She encouraged me to make some hard decisions and do what needed to be done to fix my situation. I am so grateful that I was given such a wonderful person to take care of me. All the good things about me started with her. I don't know how I got so lucky!

So this same week I went to talk to my bishop (congregation leader/spiritual advisor) to get his help in figuring some things out. I have never in my life had a stronger testimony of the divine calling of bishop. It was unreal how every time I thought something negative, he would immediately refute it. I didn't even have to say it out loud, he just knew. I know he was being directed by the Spirit and I am so grateful to have been placed in this ward. My Heavenly Father knew exactly what I needed and made sure that I got it.

After such a hard week, I decided I really needed to go out of town. Though I could have easily taken the bus, my aunt Trish and uncle Micheal allowed me to borrow their car for the weekend. It was such a blessing to have the freedom and flexibility it provided. They always take such good care of me and I am so grateful for a second set of parents here in Utah while I am away from my own.

I also have to be so grateful for my wonderful uncle Rodney and aunt Tiffany and their wonderful children, who welcomed me into their home for a little while and allowed me to escape. Then comes my aunt Wanda and uncle Joe. These two people are possibly the kindest people you will ever meet. They also welcomed me into their home..and not only that but welcomed me into their family. They were having a big family get together for a missionary farewell but still opened their arms and their hearts to me. Their wonderful children made me feel so at home---I just adore them all.

I have already mentioned my mom and now I really have to mention the rest of my amazing family. They are all wonderful amazing and have changed my life, but I really am grateful for my little brother Garrett and sister Hillary today. I got some kinda bummer news today. Not terrible, my life is over news just kinda aww well that sucks news. Anyway, I needed someone to talk to and so I called my baby sister. Who would have thought that a 16 year old would be so wise....haha. She is a lot like my mom, she knew when to stop saying I'm sorry and start telling me it wasn't the end of the world and that I shouldn't be so dramatic. Then my darling little brother, who has become the best big brother a girl could have made sure that I knew if I needed to talk I was more important then the movie he was watching with a bunch of people..and a girl (who knows with him the chick magnet!). I have been so blessed to be the big sister of such amazing kids. I always want to make life easier for them..but more often than not they make it better for me!

I have been blessed also with amazing roommates and friends. They always are there for me and will pick me up whenever I am down. I can't even begin to talk about what they have done. If I tried to describe it..as with most of these people I am currently so grateful for....I would not be able to find adequate words.

People do come into our lives for a reason...

bringing something we must learn and

we are led to those who help us most to grow.
I know I'm who I am today because I knew you.
Whatever way our stories end...

I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend.

Lagoon Trip aka the trip where we did lots of stupid stuff----as promised

So I am not sure if this is going to be as funny now because it has been a week....and the funny things I have said may have left. But we will give it a shot.
So my bestie Kenna invited me to go to Lagoon (amusement park in UT, for those who don;t know) last Saturday. It was the last Saturday before the semester started up so I was super psyched for a last hurrah of sorts. So five us drove up: me, Kenna, Kenna's brother Logan, Logan's friend Kenna, and our friend Scott.
We started the day kinda slow. We were all super tired from staying up late the night before and Kenna was fighting a possible cold. This actually was sort of a source of amusement actually cause when Kenna is out of it....it is pretty funny. But this early hiccup did not signal to us any sort of problem. SO we got to the park and picked our first ride...........the rickity wooden one.
To be honest the "Roller Coaster" (yes that was its name creative right?) was not particularly scary. It didn't go very fast. It wasn't very high---even for my standards. It didn't turn you upside down. And yet I was quite nervous. Because even time I looked to the side I saw the boards literally SHAKING underneath the weight.
Stupid move number 1---looking to the side and not looking straight ahead. Every time I did I had a minor freak out consisting of me saying "oh crap" to which Kenna just laughed.
Then we moved onto The Wicked.....This one looked like way to much for me so I sat this one out...I was the official STUFF holder haha. I am really not sure what happened to everyone else, but I got some VERY interesting people watching time in. You know how nerdy chem majors can tell you the chemical formulas for random objects that you have no desire to know about, and physics/engineering majors tell you how things you don't really care about work? Well I am child development so what do I do......guess the ages of kids. Weird I know and kinda creepy. But I think I did pretty well that day. Of course I couldn't really find out for sure unless I really wanted to worry some parents! Anyway when they came back they told me it wasn't that bad. There was another ride right next to the Wicked that they wanted to try...but this one looked WAY too much for me....lots of upside down...I can do fast and backwards and up and down and twisty......but NOT upside down...even for a second. So I waited again and people watched again. this time when they got done I did not see the happy faces from before. Stupid move number 2 (granted this one may not totally count cause how should we know). This ride practically decapitated...or at least concussed..several members of the group. Apparently there was one point that if Logan had been an inch or two taller it would have been BAD. We later noticed that there was a warning sign saying that person with "certain extreme physical characteristics such as height, weight or unusual body proportions" would not be allowed to ride. should have given us a clue............
So after that one we had to take a break. So we sat for a while then went over the the pioneer village and wandered around there. Then we passed one of those rides where you go down the river in a big inner tube and try to dodge the waterfalls. We thought it would be pretty fun....but then we saw the line. LONG!!!!!!!! So we went next door ish to the log ride. Stupid mistake number 3....this line was prolly as long as the one before and yet we still got in it (it was wrapping deceivingly). Anyway so as we sat in line we formulated a plan. The logs pretty much held four adults and we had five. We somehow came to the conclusion that we could squeeze all five of us in there (stupid mistake number 4) After this determination we began to plan how to arrange everyone. We decided Cameron Kenna and I should squeeze in the front as the smallest and lightest. Then put Scott and Logan, the biggest two in the back. We were told by the boy....literally he was not older than 16!!!!....that putting the heavier people in the back would get us less wet. Don't ask me how something about the front of the boat/log being more above water and therefore displacing less. PS side note...there were for sure kids no older than 10 working there....child labor laws?????????????????????????????? Anyway stupid mistake number 5 was listening to this kid. And if we thought about it, putting the biggest ones in the back would get us going faster thereby probably getting us more wet. Our goal was to not get wet...which is why this whole ride may have been one big mistake. Anyway so we got on seriously squishing....me and Cameron had never met before that day...we are now very close haha. So we get going and we are seriously DRAGGING on the bottom of the pool. Totally scrapping the bottom. At this point we realize this may have not been our best idea ever. Then we get to the point of the ride were we go up at about a 60 degree angle. I thought for sure we were too heavy to make it up. I was convinced we would get stuck. When we get to the top successfully and we truly realize how wet we are going to get. The little girls behind us are already laughing at our misfortune and the guy at the top just gives us this look as says "have fun" Then we freak out and try as hard as we can to hide behind the person in front of us. We come CRASHING down the slide and at first we just get a little splashed, and for a second I think "oh that wasn't too bad...we have conquered this". Yeah...very wrong..... Suddenly a TIDAL WAVE comes rushing over us..totally drenching us. Screaming begins and all those people in line after us (several dozen) begin to LAUGH their HEADS off. WOW...we are soooooo smart.
So this is getting long so I will go fast through the next ones....we went to go get food...Logan is the most wet and cold and is wearing jeans so is drying slowly. We pick subway..the only place with cold food in the park mistake 6. Then we go on the Ferris Wheel...mistake number 7 being telling Cameron and Scott to stop spinning the cart since it only encouraged them. Then onto the Rocket...this one Logan and I skipped but Scott and Cameron regretted as Scott had a brush with death (his seat almost didn't lock) and Cameron realized how much he is not a fan of heights..SUCKAS!!!! mistake number 7. Then we decided to hit a super fast ride...not remembering the name. But this one we again (STUPID) decided to shove us all in a spot for four. Kenna's backside got roasted from the friction and Scott...got seriously smushed... mistake number 8. Then we went on the ski lift...harmless right...except when my hand got stuck and then something else happened with Cameron's seat but I am not sure what (mistake 9) Then we went on the the Wicked again. This time they dragged me along. I was terrified and though I did scream I HATE YOU GUYS at one point...it was still fun and I am glad they made me. It really wasn't that bad.
So that was our day. A total of 9 stupid mistakes that really made the day a blast. Though they were stupid and we totally paid for them...I don't think I would have wanted it any other way. GREAT memories. Who said being stupid wasn't fun????

Those Little Things

You know those days when the smallest thing makes it all worth it? I have a super crazy schedule this semester. I work 20 hours, am taking 14 credits, and volunteering for about 8 hours...all in one week. Then there is homework, my church calling (RS 1st counselor AHH) and attempting to have a social life..... With all this stuff going on I am super busy and trying to find time to just sit down is quite a challenge.

So after this crazy week I finished it up with volunteering. I volunteer at a crisis nursery-a place where children from at risk home can just be kids and have a safe place to be for a little while. Sometimes, generally in fact, it is simply so their parents can look for a job, have a break to run errands attend therapy or a meeting, or receive medical treatment. Other times they are there under court order until the state can determine where they should be placed. Either way, all these children have had a rough time and their parents have had it even harder. Anyway so my job is to just spend one on one time with the kids. We estimate that over half of these kids have been seriously neglected or in some way abused. It is important that they have positive experiences with adults and are given an opportunity for cognitive and social development (aka playing).
I had just had a long bus ride out to the center and a very long week before that. I got there and almost immediately noticed a little girl, kind of off to the side seeming alone and a bit withdrawn. I decided she would be my first stop. I went over and started to play with some cars she was sitting by. She was probably around 18-20 months old (its hard to tell when children may have been deprived of various things because the normal milestones don't generally come online at normal times). But as I showed her the cars and showed her how to make the roll and "vroom", she became a totally different little girl. When I first sat down she didn't really respond to me....just kinda sat and stared. Then slowly but surely she began to interact with me. And then she began to talk and make the cars go vroom too :). I would do something she would like and she would say AGAIN! I would sometimes describe a car and she would try to repeat what I had said..."een ar" (green car btw haha).

It was so amazing to see this transformation. It made everything I have gone through this week, to make sure that I could be there this afternoon totally worth it. When I see that I am making at least a small difference......that is when I know there is nothing else I want to be doing. It is worth all the sacrifices.

Annie.......

So this story requires a bit of background. When I was 13ish I knew this girl in my home ward named Carolyn. She was a senior and about to leave for BYU. She decided that for fun (mostly to ward off the guys she didn't want to date) she would go by Lyn. I thought this was a funny idea and when I was a senior I decided I would give it a shot. I decided I would chop off the Steph..and be Annie.

Then I moved in with my cousin and realized Annie would not work. You can't change the habit of someone who has known you your whole life basically.

So I vowed to do it my sophomore year. I moved into my new apartment to find that I now lived with....an Annie. DARN! I couldn't do it.

So my junior year rolled around and I am not sure why....but I didn't even think to change my name.
But then my senior year rolled around......... (aka tonight haha) Around 6ish tonight I decided to start going by Annie. (Only in my ward....family, old friends school, work, etc. would still be Stephanie/Steph/Stephie) So I sent out a text that went something like this.

"Attention everyone. I hereby change my name to Annie. That is all. Thank you. Have a nice day!"

I got several confused and stunned texts but smoothed out most ruffled feathers. Then I went to visit some people in one of the other apartments in our complex. And here the madness began. First I got a great deal of confusion. Most thought it was a joke...but they do not know me very well. People who have fake engagements and marriages are the most likely people to randomly change their name...for reals...just to confuse people. Anyway so I explained I was serious and why I was....just for fun, a change of pace, a reinvention of sorts.

Some were very supportive...my home teacher Jeff....ok so that was it really at first. Most we not supportive. They thought I should be Anie (short a sound...like a knee thank you Kevin and Eric).

Others (also eric) thought Fannie/Fanny/Phanie/Phannie would be most appropriate. REALLY!!!!!!!!!! Yes I love being called the name of someone's backside. When I pointed this out later to ERic.....heheh payback...... He became very red..started to say something then stopped....then upon our insistence informed me that there was nothing wrong with my fanny....:) THANKS ERIC!!!!! what a great friend right hehehehe
But most though just thought I should stay Stephanie/Steph

Then ward prayer happened and this is when the train really went off the tracks. I found several more supporters...Jared, Kyle, JB, Dustin, Paul, Maddie, Kelsi, Ginger---wonderful friends these people are :). And I got Holly to come to my side too hehehehe There are TONS of new people in the ward (seriously our ward quadrupled in size). So I always introduced myself as Annie. And they all believed me..what else would they do. But then the "goldie oldies" or "the veterans" as many call them began to rebel....that or they forgot. Then the poor new people started getting very confused and I had to explain and it just stopped working. Then I went to go visit some friends...and Apartment 4.....you know who you are......created the UPROAR.

They voted and decided Fannie/Phannie was the best name they could give me. As more joined the conversation all the frustration I received at ward prayer became anger and resentment (well not really but it makes for a better story). But really I think some people were genuinely upset and confused....although I am pretty sure most just wanted to give me a hard time.

So as of the end of the night I decided that it was too much. I had created a monster. And I really don't want to be called Fannie all year so I knew I had to stop things now. So I sent out another text revoking my first (which totally ruined my street cred).
Who knew that changing my name could create such an uproar! I mean really I just thought people would be like ok...weird but whatever...and call me Annie. Or just stick to Stephanie. But there was upsetness.....which totally harshed my mellow.

so yeah that is what happened to me tonight....QUOTE OF THE DAY: There is nothing wrong with your fanny. I don't even have to find the silly for this one :)

MORE TOMORROW ABOUT MY TRIP TO LAGOON....aka the trip where 5 college students kept doing really dumb stuff..........

Old People are so great

So yesterday I had to go to the Social Security office to get a replacement card. Unfortuately my card got lost somewhere back in Januaryish. We are hoping that it got dropped in a parking lot--run over a million times and then snowed on and washed down the drain......but anyway.

I was sitting there in the office and this nice old lady comes in with her husband and is talking to one of the workers. She asks several questions and then realizes that all the business she had to take care of could be done online. She turns to her husband and says "Honey I guess we need to figure out this online thing"

IT WAS SO CUTE! Especially the way she said it so exasperatedly.


Old people can be so cute! They are so much like children in that they often say whatever comes to their heads. Luckily I have been blessed with grandmothers that are not too crazy. They are the more sweet conservative types. But I have a feeling----if I am ever a grandmother or if I am that crazy cooky great aunt---I am going to be the one people don't know what to do with. You know the ones who say the most inappropriate things and someone always just cries out "GRANDMA!" Yeah that is gonna be me! I am gonna be the one who says in the middle of dinner "Ya know honey you were right is is cute". Or in the store "oh honey should go go talk to that man...he has a cute tush." Come on you guys...you know that will be me.
But I also hope along with my cookiness and my big mouth, I'll be able to be a wise old person too. My grandfather is one of the greatest men I know. He is a spiritual giant---a temple sealer and former bishop. He loves his family and doesn't show it in the conventional ways, but as he teases you-you know he cares. And if you need him to not be silly....he gets serious right away and give the best advice. I trust my parents explicitly but I am pretty stubborn and don't always follow their advice. But if/when my grandpa gives me advice, I don't even think about it or question it at all. I just follow almost blindly. I just trust him that much.
I hope that someday I can be that for someone else, cause it is such a comfort to me.

What is this thing????

So my life can be pretty amusing sometimes......although sometimes it is so not funny that it becomes funny.
Sister Marjorie Hinckley once said "The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache."
So here I will try to laugh...about the good and the bad. Its not always in my nature to be positive but it is something that I want to work on.
Since this will be something possibly read by a wide variety of people I will not give too many personal details. I wouldn't want the whole world learning who my current crush is. (FYI-total honesty no one at the moment unless famous people count) But don't worry you will get enough :). But I promise total honesty...other than lying by omission!

Enjoy!